🦋

I look at these photos and my stomach turns. To see oxygen tubes up my nose and how swollen my face was, brings back such horrible memories.

A dead baby surrounded by a love that was very much alive that day.

This photo was taken moments before our little Grace was blessed by the hospital chaplain. I couldn’t physically move from the bed due to being so unwell from the Pre- Eclampsia, so all our family and friends surrounded my bedside.

I write this while cuddling my chubby, pink faced, second born and I’m torn by how unjust this is. I would love to have both girls cuddling me right now. Why couldn’t I have had them both?

We are soon to celebrate Christmas with Esme but it was always supposed to be for Grace.

Parenting after loss is hard although I have learned to appreciate every single moment of the day, I still feel bitter. I still get angry at pregnant women who make it to the end of their pregnancy. I am still jealous when I read that other mothers have been diagnosed with Pre Eclampsia but their babies survived. It still hurts.

I could have 10 more babies in my lifetime and it still wouldn’t fill the void of losing Grace.

I miss you so much my little butterfly