I’ve been so busy recently preparing for our little Rainbow baby, I can’t believe another month has passed..
July ended with Grace’s first birthday. It was really nice to have all the family around her grave, chatting and laughing. All her Grandparents, Aunties, Uncles and Cousins, all came to support us. We released some balloons for her special day and even lit some candles, which were blown out by the wind but I like to think that was Graces doing!!
I’ve started a birthday memory box which is so far filled with letters and cards. I plan to write to her every year.
They say the first year is the hardest and it’s true. I still can’t get my head around why it happened to us. Why should we be releasing balloons in to the sky, when she SHOULD be here?
I imagine her walking and babbling now. I wonder who she would look like more? What her little laugh would sound like. It’s painful to think I will spend my life always wondering.
On such a shit day there was some positivity which did help ease the pain…
She is thriving, growing bigger and stronger every day. I can’t believe I’ve passed the mark when we lost Grace. Everything is new and exciting and I am really getting used to the idea that potentially our baby is going to come home this time.
We’ve been to see our Consultant, who has booked us in for an induction on the 4th September. I am literally counting down the days.
The thought of giving birth this time to a live baby excites me but scares me all the same.
When I delivered Grace, there was no end goal, no pink, crying baby at the end of it. I painfully pushed with no reward.
I’ve pictured a dozen times the moment Esme is placed on my chest. My ears long to hear the sound of my baby crying. I can’t wait to hold her in my arms as she nuzzle’s in to me.
This little room is located on Burley ward at the Princess Anne, a few doors down from the bereavement suite.
It’s set up in a lounge style, where you can sit, have coffee and take photos with your baby. In the room are dozens of memory books, each dedicated to a little baby born too soon.
I found Grace’s page almost instantly but was surprised to see how full the book had become,in a year.
As much as I hate the way things turned out, I find comfort knowing my little girl is connected to that room and I like knowing that I can go anytime and just sit there to feel close to her.
I never got to experience this side of pregnancy, so for me I’m trying to savour the moment as much as I can. It’s not fully finished,as there will always be doubt in the back of my mind but I like to thing positivity breeds positivity!