Love Letter…

I could write until the end of time for you…

You are my first daughter, our special girl. Thank you for letting me be your Mummy. I loved being pregnant with you.

I remember every detail. I remember feeling you kick in my tummy and how excited we were to meet you.

I remember giving birth to you and how you felt in my arms. I remember how much hair you had and how soft it felt when I touched it.

You will never not be loved. You are a massive part of our lives and will continue to be until the end of time.

You have taught me so much about unconditional love and the importance of family. Who knew someone who never opened her eyes, would have such an impact?

I will live the rest of my life for you, I will take care of your little sister. I will give her all the love I couldn’t give to you. She will learn about you, she will see your photos. She will love you as much as we do.

We are always thinking about you, Grace. We will love you to infinity 💜

#captureyourgrief #gracealexandraclaire #ouramazinggrace #captureyourgrief2018 #whathealsyou #stillborn #stillbirth #babyloss #pailawareness #lifeafterloss #griefjourney #rainbowbaby #littlesister

Transformed…

I have changed as a person. Like any person would after a traumatic event in their life.

I look at the world differently. I have a realistic understanding of death. I’ve learnt to appreciate ‘time’.

I know that ‘tomorrow’ is promised to no one. I know that shit happens so I try not to have too high expectations or worry too much.

#captureyourgrief2018 #captureyourgrief #whathealsyou #grief #lifeafterloss #pailawareness #babyloss

Support…

The biggest support to me over the last two years has been friends and family taking Grace with them on their travelling adventures.

Grace has travelled all over from Dorchester to Hawaii, from LA to Thailand.

I love when people include her, it’s really special to me to see her name and truly brings me happiness.

Thank you to anyone who’s has carried my girl with them❤️

#captureyourgrief2018 #whathealsyou #babylossawareness #gracealexandraclaire #gracestravels #pailawareness #saytheirname

Wisdom…

I really have no wisdom when it comes to babyloss. I myself would not know what to say to someone, so I understand the awkwardness.

I understand it’s easier to cross the road than have ‘that conversation’.

My advice to family and friends and to anyone in this situation is to recognise we DID have a child. They WERE loved and hoped for. They ARE thought about every day.

I could tell you Grace’s birth story a thousand times. I could repeat for years her birthweight and how delicate her hands were. Ask me what it was like. Ask about anything and I will tell you.

Say their name. Don’t be frightened to mention them, to bring them up in conversation.

We love talking about our babies- and will continue to, until we die.

#captureyourgrief2018 #whathealsyou #wisdom #babylossawareness #griefjourney #stillborn #preeclampsia

Healing…

Rituals…

Every morning, when I wake up and I walk in to our daughters bedroom.

I pull back the curtains.

I lift Esme out of her cot,

and we say ‘Good morning, Grace’.

I do this for not only for myself but so Esme will grow up knowing who her sister was.

Occasionally, I will go through the items in her memory box (which is supplied to families of stillborn babies)

I usually smell the blanket she was wrapped in and look at her tiny lock of hair. I like to touch her hand and foot prints, which are set in a clay frame. Her blood stained baby grow and woollen hat still smell of her.

As mothers, these are the last items we will ever have our babies. This is how we parent now. This is our normal.

# captureyourgrief2018 #captureyourgrief #whathealsyou #lifeafterloss #stillbirth #stillborn #stillloved #pregnancyandinfantlossawareness #angelbaby #motherslove #babyloss

Today…

Here they are. The magic pills. 30mg a day.

Anti-depressants. Happy pills. Anti-anxiety medication. Call them what you like.

Even after losing Grace, I never felt like I needed ‘help’. I’ve always thought I’ve had a sound mind and didn’t want to be put under the category that surrounds mental health. I didn’t want to be labelled.

But life got hard when I fell pregnant again. And the anxiety began to build. The thought of losing another child crippled me. I couldn’t sleep for fear of waking up the news that my body had failed another baby.

So, I started on a pill called Sertaline, quite common for anxiety and depression (although I would never admit I was depressed). I started on the lowest dose but found by a few months in I was the highest dose you could go.

I would wake up unusually happy in the mornings. I felt euphoric but unfortunately numb to anything. This drug I was taking to stop the anxiety pretty much stopped any other emotion. I couldnt physically cry.

All was working well, Esme was here and everything seemed great. Life had a new meaning. A new baby to take care of and love- I felt like I was better than I had ever been before… so I stopped taking them.

Then came the crash.. I thought I was going to have a mental breakdown. I now know why you should wean yourself slowly off anti-depressants.

I started taking them again but then something changed in my head. I started getting side effects I didn’t like. Nightmares. Horrible fucking dreams where I would wake up dripping in sweat and pure fear.

The worst dream, is me waking up, still half asleep and pulling back the bed covers. Ripping at the sheets searching for ‘my baby’. I don’t remember this but I turned to Lewis and said ‘we’ve lost another one’.

So ever since, I’ve been on Citalopram. A different drug. I feel they stop the anxiety but they make me tired. Like I’m in a constant fog of sleepiness, yet when I go to bed I can’t fall sleep.

Today is a good day. I’m neither sad or happy, but I would be lying to myself to say I’m not still grieving.

I’ve learnt to take each day as it comes. I’ve learnt it’s okay not to be okay. Ive learned it’s okay to ask for help whether physically or mentally.

#captureyourgrief2018 #whathealsyou #captureyourgrief #pailawareness #stillborn #stillloved #stillbirth #preeclampsia #stillgrieving #motherslove #love #mentalhealthawareness

Essence…

Grace Alexandra Claire White

Our first born daughter. Our saving Grace. A whole 3lbs 14oz. Who knew something so small could make such an impact.

She made me a mother, and for that I will be forever grateful.

As cheesy as it sounds- she WAS our saving grace. We waited for her. We had planned our whole life with her. Every milestone, we just couldn’t wait.

Lewis picked her beautiful name. Her name means ‘Blessing’ and oh, was she.

We picked her middle names as soon as we found out we were pregnant. ‘Alexandra’ and ‘Claire’ pay tribute to our wonderfully strong mums,who have been there (and still continue) to pick up the pieces of our jumbled life.

She DID exist. She WAS wanted. She IS. She’s the reason why I hug Esme that little bit tighter. The reason for the person I am today.

She will never not be loved.

#captureyourgrief2018 #whathealsyou #captureyourgrief #pailawareness #stillborn #stillloved #stillbirth #preeclampsia #stillgrieving #motherslove #love

Purpose…

Two hands, two feet. 10 perfect fingers and 10 gorgeous toes. My purpose for taking part this year is to keep my daughters memory alive. She lived and died inside of me. She existed.

A lot has changed in two years.

Grace has a younger sister now. Life has changed so quickly that some days I feel even further away from her than ever before.

Some days, I feel I can’t write or connect to her in ways that I used to. It’s hard trying to survive and grieve at the same time.

All my energy is spent on giving Esme the love that I could never give to Grace, so by sharing each day hopefully this will bring me back to her.

#captureyourgrief2018 #whathealsyou #captureyourgrief #pailawareness #stillborn #stillloved #stillbirth #preeclampsia #stillgrieving #motherslove #love

Sunrise…

Today is the first of October which marks the start of Pregnancy and Infant loss awareness month. I will be taking part in mindful healing by sharing with you for the 31 days of the month using the hashtag #captureyourgrief

I last took part in 2016 when we lost our precious baby girl Grace, funnily enough, I missed that ‘sunrise’ too. (I don’t do mornings!)

Instead I will share a favourite photo of when we did catch a sunrise. This photo was taken in Trelawny, Jamaica. We had decided that Christmas time was a too happy time to celebrate, when we had lost the only thing we wanted so we booked a holiday.

I love this photo because it represents so many things, firstly, a Dad, looking out in to the ocean, for what he’s lost.

Secondly, I like the way the clouds are being pushed away by the rising sun. As if the storm cloud we had been living in for the past 6 months was finally lifting.

I’m going to try and share a little bit each day, to honour our girl and hopefully raise awareness about pregnancy and infant loss. I hope that you will join me by following my journey.

#catureyourgrief2018 #whathealsyou #1in4 #pregnancyandinfantlossawareness #stillborn #stillloved #gracealexandraclaire #lifeafterloss